If there's lessons to be learnt from horror films...
DON'T waste time kissing in monster-infested waters!
Horror flicks. We love them for their outlandish premises, their gory grandeur and the chance to see some beautiful, scantily-clad women being mauled by freakish beings. But, if there's one thing about horror movies that frustrates me...it's how utterly stupid the people can be. I mean, so much loss of life could have been averted with some simple common sense. So, in order to prime yourself to survive an onslaught of evil, remember these key rules:
1. If there’s an incredibly scary-looking old mansion where it's rumoured a family was murdered by an axe-wielding maniac…DON’T go in. go shopping instead.
2. If you hear a strange noise behind a door…DON’T open it. Just don't.
3. If you are accosted by a member of the undead, and you manage to kill it…DON’T stand there looking at it, because it’s highly likely there’s another one lurking behind you.
4. If you are bitten by a zombie… DON’T hide it from your fellow survivors, if you care about your friends and family, you’ll tell them that you will soon become a zombie.
5. If you are attacked by an evil being…DON’T scream, it’s a futile waste of energy. Headbutt the bastard instead.
6. If you see a black cat…DON’T proceed further. Superstition saves.
7. If you have just moved into that long-abandoned house atop the hill, and you hear an ominous voice telling you to leave…DON’T hang around…leave...immediately!
8. If you see a strange, limping girl with black hair crawl out of your television…DON’T sit there staring at her….run! you can easily outrun her!
9. If you are in a group exploring a creepy mansion, or other such uneasy place…DON”T separate into pairs, stay put. If you must explore, go as one big unit.
10. If you see a hitch-hiker on a dusty, deserted road…DON’T pick them up…especially if they have a large bag.
11. If, after a brief altercation with a known serial killer, you find yourself holding the knife…DON’T hesistate and just look at it…use it!
12. If you are an archaeologist in Egypt, and you sight some hieroglyphics warning of horrible curses…DON’T ignore them….mummies are ruthless!
And always, always, ALWAYS stay the hell away from clowns.
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