The Social Centre - by ChrisB

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The Social Centre - May 2007

Good Old Kids TV (Where has all the entertainment gone?)

Upon flicking through the old guide of television, I couldn’t help but notice the complete absence of quality children’s TV. These days it’s all about massive-eyed Japanese teenie boppers throwing pokemons, or cards, or fighting in some other stupid way. Back in my day, cartoons and kids shows were cool. Here’s some examples:

Gumby

Gumby in all his plasticine glory

Remember Gumby? That weird, green clay thing? There was something disturbing about the Gumby universe. Weird blob things bouncing about, in and out of strange worlds, morphing into unimaginable shapes; it was an acid trip for kids under 10. And don’t forget those Blockheads. They were so unbelievably evil, that I used to imagine them blobbing their way into my bedroom at night and clubbing me to death with plasticine cricket bats. Still, I slept easy knowing that Gumby and his band of freaks would protect me

Bananaman

Check those bananary guns

Popeye had Spinach, Roger Ramjet had protein pills and Bananaman had bananas, obviously. If there was ever a super hero that deserved a big-budget blockbuster movie adaptation, it’s Bananaman. Yeah, Spiderman can climb walls and stuff, but Bananaman has awesome banana-boots. Yes the Fantastic Four all have cool unique powers, but Bananaman could harness the power of Bananas to fight the evil that threatened small business owners in regional England. Brad Pitt is yet to stick his beak into the superhero movie gig, he’d make a brilliant Bananaman. Probably.

The Trap-Door

Boni & Berk - the original odd couple

Claymation is easily the funniest thing ever, and The Trap Door was the ultimate claymation short. It was bout Berk, the obedient chef of some big, hungry monster upstairs. Berk, some blue blob-man thing was joined by Boni, a whinging skull and Drutt, a little spider that makes fart sounds and gave birth to four pink babies, despite being male. But the central theme of the show, was as the name suggests, what came from the mysterious trap-door that sat in the middle of the room. Countless freaky monsters emerged from the trap door, but Berk was often able to send them back by “bonking” them with a rolling pin. Meanwhile Boni would moan about them, and Drutt would scuttle about farting. You just can’t buy entertainment like that.

Superted

What a hero

Once a there was a teddy bear that was found to be defective, and was thrown into a bin. A Spotty-man came across it and brought it to life with cosmic dust. The bear was then taken to Mother Nature, who bestowed upon the young bear super-powers in order to protect the world from the evil cowboy, Texas Pete, and his unruly mob, which consisted of a fat idiot and a skeleton in pink slippers. Despite this fairly unimaginative premise, Superted is another one of those 1980’s superheroes that should have a movie adaptation.

He Man

A very manly man with a very manly haircut

He-Man was the ultimate male role model. He wasn’t just a man, he was HE-MAN: the ultimate man. His mannishness was so great that his name denoted masculinity twice. It also distracted people away from his girly hair-cut. The Adventures of He-Man had everything an action cartoon needed: a valiant hero (He-Man), a really evil bad guy (Skeletor), an awesome animal sidekick (Battle Cat) and a mythical world with a stupid name (Eternia). It’s hard not to feel sorry for kids who haven’t been touched by He-Man.

Samurai Pizza Cats

The pizza cats looking hero-like

Always trust the Japanese to create a zany show like the Samurai Pizza Cats. Although the show only lasted a year, the enormous cult following is still visible today in the many fan-sites littered across the web. It was the ultimate parody of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, replacing four mutated amphibians with three half-mechanical cats who operate a pizza restaurant by day, and fight evil by night. The weird, futuristic world, full of completely bizarre characters, (who seemed to have been created by a mental patient with a crayon wedged between his toes) and the hell-dodgy dubbing made this show a winner. If it weren’t for the Pizza Cats, waking up for school in the morning would not have been worth it.

Johnson and Friends

Johnson and Friends

Johnson and Friends was a rather suspect homosexual children’s show that was big in the early 90’s. It was from Australia, and only lasted a few years. Johnson, the aptly named protagonist, was a big, stuffed pink elephant who went on adventures with fellow bedroom dwellers, Mcduff (a ditsy accordion), Diesel (an belligerent red truck), squeaky (an annoying robot) and Alfred (a grumpy hot water bottle). Toy Story totally ripped off the concept, but replaced such cool boys toys like pink elephants, accordions and hot water bottles with totally gay ones like cowboys, spacemen and plastic soldiers. The most entertaining thing about this show was watching Alfred, the cantankerous water bottle hobbling about the place. Hot water bottles were never intended to walk.

Captain Planet

True superheroes have mullets

If Captain Planet was still around, global warming would be solved, endangered animals would flourish and the rainforests in Brazil would be saved from the bulldozers. Back in the day, Captain Planet and his Planeteers would kick evil oil tycoon arse every afternoon. Every episode, Captain Planet would save the earth and hand out useful eco-tips at the same time. But, now the mulleted environmental crusader is no longer a staple on TV. And kids now grow up unaware that villains with names like Sly Sludge, Looten Plunder, and Verminous Skumm are threatening Mother Earth, or that every single South American has their very own monkey.

Sucks to be you

Come to think of it, just as an aside, of all the Planeteers, Ma-Ti (the South American one) must feel pretty ripped off. I mean, Kwame, the African guy with the Boyz2Men haircut could control the terrain; Gi, the technology-savvy Asian girl could harness the ocean; Linka, the blonde Scandinavian chick was able to muster up gales; and Wheeler, the sleazy American guy could shoot fire about the place. Ma-Ti scored the rubbish power of heart…heart! Not in the Casanova-way, but more of the Oprah-way. He was definitely the unluckiest stereotype on that show.