Fashion Failure
No.
Surely, when God sprinkled sand over the shorelines, bathed it in warmth and sent waves pounding against it – he intended use with minimal clothing. However there are some people who openly defy God’s will by wearing shoes and socks, often accompanied with jeans, to the beach. What possible reason could they have to do such a thing? Do they enjoy the savage beating they must give to their shoes afterwards to rid the sand? Do they love feeling sand creep up their fingernails every time they reach into their pockets for weeks afterwards? It certainly can’t be for fashion, because they stick out more than nude bathers – and appear far less comfortable. And it can’t be for safety, because wading out in that clobber would drag you to the bottom like a lead anchor. My only guess is because they were whisked there by holiday-loving kidnappers with no time to change… but please… at least take your shoes off.
No.
Who likes short shorts? Everyone loves short shorts. Who likes short shorts with long, long pockets? Not me. Who possibly would want to see a couple of inner pockets hanging down somebody’s legs, looking as if their underpants were making a bold attempt at escape. The idea of pockets is to store something away, out of sight, but easily accessed. But with these pockets – everyone will be playing guessing games of “what’s that budge?” That can only lead to disaster. Basically, it just screams cheapness. It’s as if the designers thought they’d introduce a new line of shorts, simply by ordering their army of East-Indian slave children to cut existing pairs with scissors. If you do find yourself with a pair of dangle-pockets, tuck them away… or buy something that doesn’t make you look like a clueless moron.
No.
Ugg boots are meant for cruising around at home, comfortable and warm as can be. Occasionally it is acceptable to wear them while popping down to the shops to pick up milk, bread and a miscellaneous third item. Under no circumstances should they be worn elsewhere, especially at a social venue and especially not when teamed with a mini-skirt. Honestly, by what logic can you justify wearing thick woolly boots with a skirt that’s measured in millimetres? It’s like skiing naked, but with a beanie. Despite the impracticality - it just looks so stupid too. The uggskirt combo will just make you look the sort of person who’d say something like: “please be more pacific.” I’ll be pacific in saying you look ridiculous.
No.
Here’s a polarising item of clothing – skinny jeans. As a male fashion item, they are just obscene. Let’s face it, males don’t have good legs. They’re either knobbly and thin – or chunky and lumpy. They lack the aesthetic appeal that females possess, so why try to accentuate it? Most skinny-jeaners are of the knobbly-type, and they usually come complete with expressionless face, wayfarer sunglasses and an unfairly exaggerated sense of self-worth. Rock stars get away with it because they are rock stars – anyone else who squirms their way into a pair of drainpipes are simply making themselves look like circulation-deprived poseurs.
No.
Hat wearing should be viewed as a reliable measure of intelligence and failures should be sent directly into forced labour camps. Severity or imprisonment would of course depend on how the hat was worn. Backwards - 10 years, sideways - 20, sitting unfitted atop of the head – 40 years and sitting atop the head on any angle - life. Anyone who wears a visor instantly goes away for 25 and if it’s backwards, upside-down and on an angle – I’m afraid it must be the chair. Think about it, how much better would the world be? For once, braindead teenagers will be put to use – rather than just roving around shopping centres seeing who can wear their hat the silliest.
No.
Popping the collar of a polo top, according to some, denotes cool. Essentially, by flipping that collar, you thumb your nose at ‘gravity’. Being cooler than gravity is probably the coolest you can ever be. Combine it with a pink shirt and a jaw-jutting pout and you’re approaching a critical mass of cool. Oh wait – it’s not actually cool, it’s that other thing… laughably stupid.
No.
Nothing says “I’m going to kick down your letterbox and spit on your cat,” more than a youth sporting chunky skate shoes with their socks pulled up to their shins. Call that an unfair assumption if you will, but anyone willing to look that silly is bound to lack shame. The socks that sit halfway up the shin shriek frustrating indecisiveness. Are you bus driver knee socks? Or are you normal ankle socks? You can’t be both… and skate shoes really just exacerbate the tragic look. In the end, they just look a little desperate and sad – but ready to manifest that sadness into letterbox-kicking and old-person taunting. They’re often accompanied with a hat on a jaunty angle, so at least they’re matching moronicness top and bottom.
No.
Three quarter pants are for Bruce Lee and crazy hippies who live in the woods. Nobody else. Even your mum, wearing them to do the gardening is committing a fashion felony. They represent the absurd statement of: “I’m too hot to wear pants, but too cold to wear shorts, so to compromise, I’ll expose only my lower shins.” It’s just awkward looking. Wear them with socks and you look like the excessively clichéd nerd from a 1980s frat-house movie. Wear them in sandals or barefoot and you look like someone who spends their days protesting chimneys, cows and soap. In the struggle between short and pant there are no winners, only losers. You.
No.
Its the formal attire for people who refuse to submit to style. Imagine you’re a bogan. You’ve been invited to a wedding, but you’ve been strictly banned from turning up in the singlet you were planning on wearing. Your fist comprise is to wear the singlet without the barbeque sauce stain. Your second compromise is to iron it. ‘No?, OK, it’ll be a button up shirt, rest assured,’ you say. ‘Haha,’ you think, ‘I’ve fooled them, I’m wearing a short-sleeved button up! One with Quicksilver written garishly on the shoulder.’ The bogan button up strikes again!
Notable Others
Crocs
How can you look at them and then pay money to own them?
Bintang Singlets
Yes, we know you’ve been to Bali… 40 times.
Lowriders
No-one wants to see your undies.
Hair Scrunchies
A little too far west.
Enormous belt buckles
For sexually-repressed cowboys only.
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