A tribute to the car
The car. Four wheels of sweet, sweet freedom. For over a century, us humans have all had a special affinity with our big, noisy, mechanical friends. We want to go somewhere, and they deliver us there. So without further ado, here are some of the species of the wonderfully sleek and shiny animals we know as the car.
The First Car
Boxy, smoky and with that bit of rust that each day gets just a little bit bigger…this is the archetypical first car. The first car may be something that most would call ‘broken’ – but it’s the flaws of the first car that makes it so endearing. I mean who really needs a functional speedo, or a gearbox with all the gears intact? After all – as long as it goes most of the time – it’s good enough for someone who has just obtained their licence.
The bowls club car
The notable feature of the bowls club car is the white, bowls hat sitting in the back window. This car is also recognisable by its large, boxy exterior and brown, sterile interior. The bowls-club car is also unable to exceed more than 40 kp/h, sports a blinker that never turns off and has a unique talent for appearing suddenly and completely unexpectedly in empty spaces of road. For this reason the bowls-club car is ideal for anyone over the age of 55, who wears cardigans.
The chick magnet
Man has long known the mystical pulling power that shiny wheels have on females. Since the invention of the wheel itself, the Casanova’s of the caveman world knew if he adorned it with fully sick 19” chromes and low profiles…he’d be getting some sweet prehistoric lovin’ that night. Fast forward to now, and it’s the car that receives the facelift required to pull a flock of females…and a fair few like-minded males. On top of the sexy wheels, the chick magnet also features ridiculous wings, sculpted air intakes and a gorgeous, gaping exhaust pipe. It also boasts an outrageous number of performance enhancements…despite spending most of its time stationary somewhere near a beach or empty car park.
The thanks daddy car
When precious turns 17, her first wish is for a nice, shiny car, so, daddy leaves his office at the multi-national conglomerate early, tells his PA to cancel all appointments and ducks down to the local Mercedes dealership. The ‘thanks daddy’ car is usually of the $60 thousand-plus category, adorned with red-p plates and frangipani stickers and is driven by someone wearing extremely large sunnies and a mobile phone glued to their ear.
The so long single life car
It’s big, it’s beige and there’s room for your wife, your three kids, grandpa’s wheelchair and the week’s groceries. Welcome to married life on wheels. The so-long single life car is seen mostly in shopping centre car parks, circulating schools, or around sporting grounds on weekends. Its closely related to the bus – but designed to transport one clan only. The interior is also littered with green grocery bags, umbrellas, toys and the wiggles CD that must be kept on repeat. Another unique characteristic of the so –long-single-life car is the strange indentations on the steering wheel – caused by dad’s tight grip on the wheel increases exponentially as ‘hot potato hot potato’ returns for it’s seventh encore.
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Dad’s midlife crisis car
Depending on socio-economic circumstances, this category can be quite diverse. If dad happens to be a corporate climber, nearing the upper rungs….then the midlife crisis car could be a Ferrari 355, or a Porsche 911 turbo. But if dad’s just a regular, middle management joe…then one day you might shake your head with disbelief when you see a Eureka pulling into your driveway. Garish, flamboyant and most of all, extroverted are the words that best sum up dad’s midlife crisis car. And often the midlife crisis car will usurp the so-long-single life car, as dad tries to recapture his youth with a silly car- that’s if he doesn’t have the nails to get a motorcycle licence of course.
The compensation car
Short? Excessively hairy? Face that could send steam trains down dirt tracks? Certain body parts lacking? Then the compensation car is for you! Its so big, rumbly and powerful that you can forget the cruel hand god dealt you and own the road. The compensation car sits several metres above practical height, and is full of unnecessary add-on, such as bulbar, floodlights and even that big snorkelly thing in case you have to cross a river in the middle of the freeway. There’s even a tray in the back for your compensation Rottweiler, and a plenty of room for stickers to declare just how badass you really are.
She ain't perfect, but I love her
Slowly but surely...mostly slowly.
The notable feature of the bowls club car is the white, bowls hat sitting in the back window. This car is also recognisable by its large, boxy exterior and brown, sterile interior. The bowls-club car is also unable to exceed more than 40 kp/h, sports a blinker that never turns off and has a unique talent for appearing suddenly and completely unexpectedly in empty spaces of road. For this reason the bowls-club car is ideal for anyone over the age of 55, who wears cardigans.
Any minute now...the girls'll come runnin!
Man has long known the mystical pulling power that shiny wheels have on females. Since the invention of the wheel itself, the Casanova’s of the caveman world knew if he adorned it with fully sick 19” chromes and low profiles…he’d be getting some sweet prehistoric lovin’ that night. Fast forward to now, and it’s the car that receives the facelift required to pull a flock of females…and a fair few like-minded males. On top of the sexy wheels, the chick magnet also features ridiculous wings, sculpted air intakes and a gorgeous, gaping exhaust pipe. It also boasts an outrageous number of performance enhancements…despite spending most of its time stationary somewhere near a beach or empty car park.
It even matches my shoes!
When precious turns 17, her first wish is for a nice, shiny car, so, daddy leaves his office at the multi-national conglomerate early, tells his PA to cancel all appointments and ducks down to the local Mercedes dealership. The ‘thanks daddy’ car is usually of the $60 thousand-plus category, adorned with red-p plates and frangipani stickers and is driven by someone wearing extremely large sunnies and a mobile phone glued to their ear.
Settle down and wait to die
It’s big, it’s beige and there’s room for your wife, your three kids, grandpa’s wheelchair and the week’s groceries. Welcome to married life on wheels. The so-long single life car is seen mostly in shopping centre car parks, circulating schools, or around sporting grounds on weekends. Its closely related to the bus – but designed to transport one clan only. The interior is also littered with green grocery bags, umbrellas, toys and the wiggles CD that must be kept on repeat. Another unique characteristic of the so –long-single-life car is the strange indentations on the steering wheel – caused by dad’s tight grip on the wheel increases exponentially as ‘hot potato hot potato’ returns for it’s seventh encore.
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Recapturing the youth
Depending on socio-economic circumstances, this category can be quite diverse. If dad happens to be a corporate climber, nearing the upper rungs….then the midlife crisis car could be a Ferrari 355, or a Porsche 911 turbo. But if dad’s just a regular, middle management joe…then one day you might shake your head with disbelief when you see a Eureka pulling into your driveway. Garish, flamboyant and most of all, extroverted are the words that best sum up dad’s midlife crisis car. And often the midlife crisis car will usurp the so-long-single life car, as dad tries to recapture his youth with a silly car- that’s if he doesn’t have the nails to get a motorcycle licence of course.
This will cover my inadequacies nicely
The compensation car
Short? Excessively hairy? Face that could send steam trains down dirt tracks? Certain body parts lacking? Then the compensation car is for you! Its so big, rumbly and powerful that you can forget the cruel hand god dealt you and own the road. The compensation car sits several metres above practical height, and is full of unnecessary add-on, such as bulbar, floodlights and even that big snorkelly thing in case you have to cross a river in the middle of the freeway. There’s even a tray in the back for your compensation Rottweiler, and a plenty of room for stickers to declare just how badass you really are.
