Ashes Etiquette Part 1
The Urn
With the Ashes series underway, now is the time to gather round at a mate’s place, park yourself and an esky in front of the telly and enjoy some summer cricket.
Firstly, never barrack for England. If you are English, then it is acceptable to support your native team – but if you are of any other nationality then supporting England is a crime. Even if you are English, but have resided in Australia for more than six months, then you must back Australia.
Idiot couch behaviour not tolerated
Seating: When organising the seating arrangement for the viewing of the Ashes, one must obey the scientific law of first-in-best-seated. Once the seating has been settled, there is to be no stealing of seats should somebody temporarily leave their spot to grab another beer, or to go for a piss. Anyone who attempts to pull this stunt is liable to a beating of thongs, and may be ejected from the seat with reasonable force. Only with verbal consent may there be switching of seats, and the original seat-holder reserves the right to lease their seat for a limited amount of time should they be absent for relatively long periods (like when going outside for a smoke for instance).
Obstruction: Obstruction is strictly forbidden. It the responsibility of the host to ensure that the seats are arranged so that all are able to view the screen, however should there be one or more people unable to see, then their calls of obstruction must be acknowledged – and fixed with immediacy.
Extra Curricualr Activities/Music: After the first session, people will begin to tire of sitting in one place and will want to go and do other things. This is perfectly legal, as long as their extra-curricular activities do not interfere with the viewing of cricket. Music is only allowed with a strong democratic majority vote – and the host has the powers to veto.
BYO
Drinks: Eskies must be abundant, and failure to provide for yourself wll often result in warm drinks. If you has room in your esky, then it is good etiquette to offer some esky space to eskiless people – however the hijacking of eskies is strictly forbidden. The punishment for using an esky without the owner’s consent (a crime known as ‘esky-squatting’) is to have their drinks placed outside of all eskies and a penalty of two drinks must be forfeited to the owner of the esky. When a person leaves to grab themselves another drink, it is good etiquette to ask others if they require another beverage also.
Watch your step
Food: People are required to bring a decent contribution to the community pool of snacks. Chips, lollies and all other forms of snacks must be of the large-packet variety. If you are a weirdo who enjoys tofu-bites or some other crap – then your contribution is null and you are forbidden to eat any of the provided snacks. It is also advised to bring money should there be the likely call to Dominos Pizza. There is no eating of pizza if you have not chipped in. If you are caught doing so, then you will be ejected from the room until further notice. People are also warned to watch their steps, as open pizza boxes often litter the floor. The crime of stepping in someone’s pizza is one of the most heinous and the protection of the Geneva Convention for torture becomes legally void in such cases.
Forum of Debate: Whenever there is a call of appeal, or a fall of wicket in the game, the forum of debate will often open up. If you know very little about the game, (like most woman or Englishmen) then it is advised that you keep your mouth shut. Bonehead comments are a waste of time, and only hinder the progress of debate regarding the on-field action. Also, if you actually play cricket, it is good etiquette not to bring that fact up too often. If Ricky Ponting attempts a sloppy sweep, and is almost caught LBW, then nobody cares if a similar thing happened to you whilst playing Third Division regional cricket against a team of senile retirees. Personal anecdotes of playing cricket must be humorous and/or interesting.
