Fat Kids
A few millennia ago, Moses cast upon the Egyptian Pharaoh ten deadly plagues. With use of battering hail, crop-ravaging locusts and painful ailments to name a few, Moses certainly kicked some Pharaoh arse with some truly devastating plagues.
In this day and age however, society is suffering from a more overwhelming, destructive and merciless plague than Moses could ever have imagined. Fat Kids.
The modern world is being bombarded by hordes and hordes of these flabby, little tykes, bursting the seams of the underpants of society.
It is almost impossible to walk down the street of your local neighbourhood without confronting the horrific rolls of young flesh, a sight that could severely stun an unprepared individual.
In fact, in 2006, over 230 people were hospitalised after a trip to Disneyland, not from the rides, not from the food – but from extreme overexposure to obese children.*
The chubby menace has even spread to the entertainment industry.
Cookie Monster, a long time connoisseur of the round, doughy snack, has been coerced into a frightening new diet, where cookies are “sometimes food”.
How can a creature whose name, purpose and love is of cookie the be expected to gracefully accept a bunch of crappy fruits and vegetables in place of some delicious, choc-chip cookies?
Robbing Cookie Monster of his beloved cookies is akin to robbing humankind of our beloved oxygen. Without oxygen, we will perish and without cookies, Cookie Monster will just be a depressed sock-puppet with a meaningless name.
But the plague of chunky tots isn’t content with destroying the lives of Muppets, next of their menu of destruction is Fast Food Restaurants.
McDonald’s, long time shrine of saturated fats, has been brought to its knees under the immense weight of many, many fat kids.
Gone are the days where a Happy Meal was a cheeseburger, fries, coke and a toy, now there has to be a “healthy” and “nutritious” alternative to the traditional meal.
It’s an atrocity that exceeds the sinking of the Titanic (which by the way was due to fat kids), the meltdown in Chernobyl and the bubonic plague, all put together and multiplied by seven.
There are banners everywhere, adorning the new “Pasta Zoo” Happy Meal, where some hastily conceived, poorly drawn cartoon dinosaur-looking thing exclaims: “Hey Kids, Pasta Is COOL”.
Levi’s are cool. Ray Ban Wayfarers are cool. Porsche 911 Turbos are cool. Pasta is not.
Where will it end? Today, its muppets and fast food chains who suffer, but tomorrow we might all find ourselves starved of snacks and forced to make ridiculous claims as to what’s “cool”.
This pestilence of fat kids needs to be stopped before it gets out of hand.
Parents, go to your child now.
If he/she is holding one of the following:
Chocolate Bar
Video game controller
Television remote
Cookie
Replace it with the following:
Carrot
Skipping Rope
Football
Pasta Zoo Happy Meal
Act swiftly, and the child will be in temporary state of confusion, making a successful switch possible. Do it now, and do not hesitate. And most importantly, don’t let others do your job for you.
Oh the humanity!!
In this day and age however, society is suffering from a more overwhelming, destructive and merciless plague than Moses could ever have imagined. Fat Kids.
The modern world is being bombarded by hordes and hordes of these flabby, little tykes, bursting the seams of the underpants of society.
It is almost impossible to walk down the street of your local neighbourhood without confronting the horrific rolls of young flesh, a sight that could severely stun an unprepared individual.
In fact, in 2006, over 230 people were hospitalised after a trip to Disneyland, not from the rides, not from the food – but from extreme overexposure to obese children.*
The chubby menace has even spread to the entertainment industry.
Cookie Monster, a long time connoisseur of the round, doughy snack, has been coerced into a frightening new diet, where cookies are “sometimes food”.
Cookie Monster (immense emotional pain not shown)
How can a creature whose name, purpose and love is of cookie the be expected to gracefully accept a bunch of crappy fruits and vegetables in place of some delicious, choc-chip cookies?
Robbing Cookie Monster of his beloved cookies is akin to robbing humankind of our beloved oxygen. Without oxygen, we will perish and without cookies, Cookie Monster will just be a depressed sock-puppet with a meaningless name.
But the plague of chunky tots isn’t content with destroying the lives of Muppets, next of their menu of destruction is Fast Food Restaurants.
McDonald’s, long time shrine of saturated fats, has been brought to its knees under the immense weight of many, many fat kids.
Gone are the days where a Happy Meal was a cheeseburger, fries, coke and a toy, now there has to be a “healthy” and “nutritious” alternative to the traditional meal.
It’s an atrocity that exceeds the sinking of the Titanic (which by the way was due to fat kids), the meltdown in Chernobyl and the bubonic plague, all put together and multiplied by seven.
Not Cool
Levi’s are cool. Ray Ban Wayfarers are cool. Porsche 911 Turbos are cool. Pasta is not.
Where will it end? Today, its muppets and fast food chains who suffer, but tomorrow we might all find ourselves starved of snacks and forced to make ridiculous claims as to what’s “cool”.
This pestilence of fat kids needs to be stopped before it gets out of hand.
Parents, go to your child now.
If he/she is holding one of the following:
Chocolate Bar
Video game controller
Television remote
Cookie
Replace it with the following:
Carrot
Skipping Rope
Football
Pasta Zoo Happy Meal
Act swiftly, and the child will be in temporary state of confusion, making a successful switch possible. Do it now, and do not hesitate. And most importantly, don’t let others do your job for you.
TV Babble
I think this last sentence says it all - far too often parents complain about the evils of society making their children fat, yet they do nothing to actually stop the problem. Obviously this does not apply in every case, but I'd wager that a lot of obese kids have parents who don't care enough to control their exercise and activity level.