How to be Pretentious
Everybody loves people who are pretentious. There are no warmer, sociable folk than pompous, self-absorbed money-wavers. So in order to become pretentious, you must obey these eight simple rules:
1. Every item you own must not be referred to by its actual name, but by it’s brand. For instance, you don’t drive a car; you drive a BMW. You don’t wear shoes, you wear Gucci’s, you are not carrying a handbag, you’re carrying a Prada. Pretentious people always call things by their brand unless of course it is a cheap and utterly embarrassing brand.
2. Whenever you need to look at your watch – I mean Rolex – to see the time, you must do the “I’m wearing an expensive tailored suit and must flick my arm out to reveal my glistening, expensive watch” arm movement thing. Truly pretentious people will do the arm throw thingy even when not wearing a suit.
3. Use and sometimes invent big words in unnecessitated circumstances, especially if it ends up making absolutely no sense. In order to maximise the aural impact of the communicative spoken word, an intricate lexicon must be implemented. The principal objective of this is to confuse the listener into thinking you are some sort of genius who has quite a grasp on the English languge.
4. Speaking of language – pretentious people are not satisfied with knowing just one language – no, they need to know at least four others. Knowing foreign languages will make you seem travelled and cultured. The more languages you know, the more humanitarian you seem.
5. Hang out at trendy coffeehouses and read the culture and arts sections of newspapers. Make sure that you are decked out head to toe in expensive clothing, because $800 suits, $300 shoes and a $100 hat make the coffee experience complete.
6. Don’t buy brand names - buy people. Louis Vuitton, Hugo Boss, Guy Laroche, Este Lauder – all these people epitomise pretentiousness – so wear, apply and carry them.
7. Always attend premieres. It doesn’t matter what exactly it is – as long as you are at the premiere.
8. Pretend you know the difference between a cheap wine and an expensive wine. Read lots and lots of wine labels in order to familiarise yourself with peach wisps, grassy notes and oak resonance.
8. Lastly, brag until your jaw hurts. How are people supposed to know that you are friends with Jean-Pierre, the world famous foot masseuse?, or that you spend $265 on a haircut?, or that your designer Yorkiepoo dog is parented by show-winning purebreds? You must tell everyone over and over and over again.
1. Every item you own must not be referred to by its actual name, but by it’s brand. For instance, you don’t drive a car; you drive a BMW. You don’t wear shoes, you wear Gucci’s, you are not carrying a handbag, you’re carrying a Prada. Pretentious people always call things by their brand unless of course it is a cheap and utterly embarrassing brand.
Emulate this man
3. Use and sometimes invent big words in unnecessitated circumstances, especially if it ends up making absolutely no sense. In order to maximise the aural impact of the communicative spoken word, an intricate lexicon must be implemented. The principal objective of this is to confuse the listener into thinking you are some sort of genius who has quite a grasp on the English languge.
4. Speaking of language – pretentious people are not satisfied with knowing just one language – no, they need to know at least four others. Knowing foreign languages will make you seem travelled and cultured. The more languages you know, the more humanitarian you seem.
Precious lifeblood of the pretentious
6. Don’t buy brand names - buy people. Louis Vuitton, Hugo Boss, Guy Laroche, Este Lauder – all these people epitomise pretentiousness – so wear, apply and carry them.
7. Always attend premieres. It doesn’t matter what exactly it is – as long as you are at the premiere.
8. Pretend you know the difference between a cheap wine and an expensive wine. Read lots and lots of wine labels in order to familiarise yourself with peach wisps, grassy notes and oak resonance.
Chewbacca's designer dog
8. Lastly, brag until your jaw hurts. How are people supposed to know that you are friends with Jean-Pierre, the world famous foot masseuse?, or that you spend $265 on a haircut?, or that your designer Yorkiepoo dog is parented by show-winning purebreds? You must tell everyone over and over and over again.
Hunt Famous
Orble Post of the Day
Fat Cult
Techbreak
For example: 'Where are you from?'
'I'm from New York.'
'I'm from Paris.'
'I'm from Sydney.'
When the answers should be America, France and Australia. They want to distance themselves from the rest of their boorish countrymen/women.
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Another add on:
A golden rule of being pretentious is predjudice. Judge people by what they wear, what they own and how they look.
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Quality work that!
From The Home Front
Enviro Warrior
Dream Herald
Esoteric Bookshop
...What a shame though, that people are quick to overlook the good that this man did for his thousands of radio fans, whose miserable lives he helped transform... that's the message in Frasier, after all... ooh and the fact that he never really fitted into the set really, as shown in the endless episode after episode of him trying to fit in to the prentitous set his occupation required... I mean Bulldog, well he just did it to pull the chicks, didn't he?
Frasier proved that trying to keep up with pretention screws your head up a bit... for a simple bloke just trying to do good in a self absorbed world, even if it was simply by reflecting that self absorption back to the masses...herein lies a paradox, don't you think...ChrisB
From The Home Front
Enviro Warrior
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Esoteric Bookshop
Just to clarify... I don't like pretentious people, I'm just a little peeved that you used Frasier to identify one, as his show clearly outlined the ridiculousness of pretention... oh and that a lot of rich pretentious people do amazing charity work, unseen....
Formula 1
The Social Centre
Frasier is one of my favourite shows, and I used him because he is recognisable, and his show did outline the ridiculousness of pretention - which is what im trying to do. Maybe I should have used Niles instead.
From The Home Front
Enviro Warrior
Dream Herald
Esoteric Bookshop
I feel like that often in Orble...*lol*
It's a great post,
sorry..
Lilla...
From The Home Front
Enviro Warrior
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Formula 1
The Social Centre
From The Home Front
Enviro Warrior
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*smiling and l-ing ol for a long, long time*
Lilla...
Gifted Parenting
Freelance For Life
However, on a complete tangent, i could not help but notice a comment that used the term:
" *l-ing ol* "
This i find to be incredibly silly. One because i despise internet slang in the first place e.g. lol, ROFL, LMAO etc. If you think something's funny, its very simple to write 'that's funny' or 'thats really funny' if you're tempted to use "lmao".
but to write ''l-ing ol''... why is the 'ing' necessary? it ruins the whole point of an abbreviation... why wouldnt 'lol' just suffice? Its as if they're trying to add appropriate language rules like tense and grammer to an annoying piece of internet lingo that is a disgrace to the english language. It upsets my head. Thats my rant. (Sorry Lilla, not a personal attack, I'm sure you're a lovely person, it's just hard to control the urge to punch people in the neck when they do things like that).
Celebrity Obsession
I'm not at all pretentious, and can't stand the so-called 'beautiful people', but I have to admit that I do own a prada handbag......and I refer to it as the Prada!!! hahaha. Mind you, it's the most divine bag ever and I spent a small fortune on it (a gift to myself after being retrenched from a company). So obviously there's a little pretention in me after all....
hehe....still giggling.
USA!!! USA!!! USA!!!