Not So Glorious Sport
Looks....comfy
So, donning a full body condom and hurtling down an icy death tunnel on a glorified tea-tray is mad enough, but doing it with another person lying on top of you is simply insane. The luge event became a centre of attention recently after the luge practice tragedy at the Vancouver Winter Olympics. So with all eyes on the mountain, those unaccustomed to the sport (as in nearly everyone) looked on in disbelief when the lugers started stacking themselves on the sled. No other sport can hope to be as precarious and hilarious at the same time.
Stretching beforehand is strongly recommended
The triple jump (aka hop, skip and jump) is an odd a hybrid of the long jump and children’s hopscotch – except adults do in front of thousands for an Olympic gold medal. The long jump makes sense in its pure athletic simplicity: run like a bear is after you and jump as far into a sandpit as possible. But the hop, skip and jump introduces in a whole new element of complexity. Well, two new elements… a hop… then a skip… then a jump…
Not pictured: The Glorious Victorious Cheese!
The line between ‘sport’ and ‘ridiculously dim-witted yearly tradition’ is quite blurred when it comes to the annual Gloucester Cheese Rolling race. The object is simple and more enticing than most sports: catch the cheese. The challenge however, is that the cheese is in the form of a wheel and has a head start down a very steep hill. The whiffy chunk of Double-Gloucester has been clocked at speeds in excess of 100km/h, but that doesn’t stop competitors turning up in droves to chase it like rabid greyhounds. The result each year? Rolling cheese wheel first; hundreds of tumbling, flailing, possibly unconscious or dead bodies second.
Curling: Not just for hair!
In colder climes, one of the most celebrated sports involves some rocks, some brooms and silly pants. Curling – the sport of sliding a rock towards a target on ice with some sweeping involved for not obviously discernable reason – is inexplicably popular amongst many of the countries with borders embracing the Arctic Circle. The premise of the sport is not unusual as it shares parallels to other sports such as lawn bowls; what makes it so weird is that they use rocks and not baby seals, which would dramatically increase its appeal.
Oooh, the pawn takes the bishop, that was below the belt
This could easily be the most innovative and well thought-out idea for a sport ever. You lock two combatants in the tense cerebral struggle that is chess, and then every few minutes get them to stand up and belt the living snot out of each other… before sitting back down and carrying on with the chess. The World Chessboxing Organisation says it’s the ultimate test of both mind and body. It makes for interesting tactical dilemmas - do you train harder at chess at the risk of having your face remodelled before you can capture their king; or do you work on your boxing skills and risk being checkmated before you can even swing a mighty glove. Expect this to surpass football as the world’s favourite game.
Nike demonstrate their new range of high-tech ribbons
Faster, higher, stronger is the famous Olympic credo. All athletes can apply one if not all of them to their related disciplines. However, missing from that list must be ‘twirlier’, because for some reason, rhythmic gymnastics is a recognised Olympic sport, whereas cricket, golf, softball and tiddlywinks are not. Gymnasts come in two forms: the ones who run, jump, twist and roll… and the ones who frolic about twirling a really long ribbon. Nobody doubts it requires great skill, but these ‘athletes’ are traipsing on a fine line between elite sport and whimsical happy-dancing.
Not pictured: The Laws of Gravity
This sport has been invented and re-invented by every youngster with a trampoline and a basketball hoop in their backyard. In 2001 however, a ‘professional’ version was created, becoming the epitome of American ‘sport-entertainment’ design. Basically players bounce around a field of trampolines to ignore gravity and pull off unfathomably over-the-top slam dunks. It’s perfect to play as the montage under the credits of a TV sports show, but watching an actual game means listening to the commentators attempt to legitimise it with jargon and tactical talk. Face it, the only real tactic in slamball is not to overshoot and end up in the crowd.
When Scarecrows Attack!
Another one originating from mental medieval Britons… shin-kicking is a branch of physical contest that never quite reached the level of popularity as its relatives, boxing and wrestling. Traditionally, men would turn up from around the country, naked save for a pair of clogs, ready to kick their opponents into bloody submission. Today, a basic framework of rules is in place, for instance a ban on heavy footwear and straw can be stuffed down trouser legs for protection. But the basic aim remains: grab eachother by the shoulders and let fly with a flurry of shin-seeking kicks to reduce your opponent into a squealing heap.
Not pictured: Immense inner-turmoil
This may be one of the world’s most popular and lucrative sports on the planet, but when you think about it, it’s an absurd practice. As comedian Robin Williams once pointed out, it’s more or less a form of cruel and unusual punishment. The Scottish creators of the game set the straightforward task of getting a ball into a hole. Except both the ball and the hole are very small. And the hole is hundreds of metres away. And you can only get the ball to the whole by whacking it with a flimsy stick and then setting off to search for it. And Mother Nature has put all manner of bushes, long grass, water hazards and sand traps directly in between your ball and the hole. Immense frustration inevitably ensues, and when you finally do hack your ball into the hole, you learn you must do it again… 17 more times.
