Types of Bosses
White collar careers and office life are not a glorified way of living. It’s boring, it’s monotonous and it’s draining. To make matters worse, there is always someone above you. There is always someone above you, who somehow thrives in the office dredge – and takes every opportunity to demean you, torment you, or simply annoy the bejesus out of you. They are of course – bosses…
The Iron-Fist Boss
"Are those shoes brown leather? Is that skirt above the knee? Is that staple vertical?" With the searing eyes of a drill-sergeant, the Iron-Fist Boss will scrutinise everything about you and your work, pointing out every hint of a failing. Not a report passes under their nose without a thorough inspection to ensure all headings are correct font and size – and all logos are used strictly within the guidelines. Never mind that the Iron Fist Boss cannot actually make a critical decision on a marketing strategy – someone has disobeyed the washing up policy in the break room. Such breaches will usually result in plates and cutlery being hurled across the room towards the bin – because to them, discipline is not meant to be gentle or logical. It’s meant to be hard, unforgiving and showered with profanity. It may be unnecessary to point out that this particular boss has obvious control issues, and that while they may launch spittle-spraying tirades against workers who don’t file an incident report after they spill their coffee – chances are in their privates lives, they like to be dressed in a nappy and spanked by a leather-clad dominatrix.
The Live-and-Breathe-Work Boss
Some people love nothing more than a relaxing recline on powdery white sand, with waves of luxurious turquoise water lapping at their feet. Others enjoy a fine drop of wine, some are into film, and some love a riveting game of football. Then there are people who love spreadsheets, budgets and strategic fiscal management. These people usually end up as a boss, purely because they live and breathe their job. If their job was made redundant, they would cease to exist as a person. There have been recorded cases where these bosses, whose roles have been made redundant, blank out and become permanently fixed in a drooling vegetative state. Some have even imploded. Office socialising is made difficult when you encounter them at the proverbial water-cooler. Don’t expect a chat about last night’s telly, or the headlines of the day – but be prepared to hear their thoughts on how the new database is such a hassle, and how it was far better at their old work. And get ready for some cringe-worthy team building exercises – at least weekly. Still, they essentially are harmless – they love working so much that they don’t really mind if what you do ends up sub-par – they relish the opportunity presented to improve it for you. Finally, be prepared at the Christmas Party – because after a year of nothing but work – a little chance to unwind often results in hilarious, and/or harrowing experience…bring a camera.
The Out-of-Depth Boss
Usually seen hiding under their desk, or staring at a towering in-tray in terrified bewilderment. The Out-of-Depth boss is generally one who has been shoe-horned into a position way beyond the level of their capabilities, and they are usually too pre-occupied with freaking out to cause you much worry. But while they wont stand over your desk and wave a job brief at your face – their incompetence means you will inevitably have to pick up the slack, often without recognition of the fact you are doing your bosses work. Out-of depth bosses usually posses some unexplainable appeal that sees them get promoted above far more worth candidates – it puzzles even them. Of course they will happily accept a role with a heftier pay-cheque – but their days are spent scratching their head, being indecisive and reading golf magazines on the toilet….all until they finally retire as president of the company.
The Please-Love Me Boss
The Please Love Me Boss is a classic, and commonplace boss. They are usually socially deprived due to the tireless hours put into licking boots – but once the boots have been sufficiently licked, and the promotion into middle-management has been awarded – the Please Love Me Boss, turns their attention to their new underlings. They see their employees as their friends, but not: “Hey, how are you today, good?” friends – rather: “Hey we should hang out this weekend – I’ve got a cabin….” friends. They regularly hover about the office floor…gravitating from one conversation to the next – looking for any available opening. Once they find one, they contribute something unfunny, unrelated or simply unwarranted, and the conversation dies with the dying words ..”…yeah” trailing off into awkwardness. When dealing with this boss, the key is to never openly divulge your weekend plans with them, as they will, without asking, worm their way in. Even if you tell them you’re planning a romantic evening alone with your partner – they’ll bring around a movie.
The Super-Boss
A very rare boss, but a frustrating one nonetheless. In fact, the Super Boss is perhaps the worst of the lot. They are simply flawless. They tend to be characterised by their business acumen, indelible charm, lighting wit and sculpted physique. They are successful, fun-loving and worst of all, kind. When they ask about your weekend, they look you in the eye, and hang on the edge of every word you utter. When you ask for leave, they ask why – not to judge whether your reasons are acceptable to not be working – but instead to know what you will be doing, and offer helpful advice, because chances are they’d been there or done that before. They actually care about you…and it’s plain sickening. The fact is, they are, and always will be – better than you in every single way. They are better looking, better paid, and better connected. They make you feel inferior as a being, and that is why the Adonis boss is the worst of all.
The On-a-Mission Boss
This boss is climbing their way to the top, and they will have absolutely no qualms with using your face as a rung on the ladder. They tend to be relentless in their pursuit of their desired job, which is more often than not, the biggest wig – the Chief Executive Officer. But, while they may dream of the letters CEO next to their name, for now they must be content with being a lowly manager – or director. But they aren’t content, and it’s you, the inferior, who bores the brunt of their ambition. Tasks are delegated to you at breakneck speed – and deadlines are policed literally, with death as a consequence. Finally, when you do manage to drop the on their desk and crumble in an exhausted heap – they step over your depleted body and take your hard work to the Board and take all the credit…even your colour-coded referencing system. Then, several months down the line, they finally get the call-up and assume the role at the top…you, meanwhile, shudder at the thought of a new On-a-Mission boss coming in, and kicking you around all over again.
Notable Mentions:
Laid-back boss
Lunch is measured in hours and home time is any time after lunch. Monday mornings are non-existent and workloads are miniscule. The ultimate boss.
Sleazy Stare at Your Boobs Boss
You can wear the collar to the bottom of your chin and pile layer after layer of protective, shapeless clothing on – but this boss will still stare, jaw partially agape, at your chest.
"Work begins at 9am NOT 9.03am!"
"Are those shoes brown leather? Is that skirt above the knee? Is that staple vertical?" With the searing eyes of a drill-sergeant, the Iron-Fist Boss will scrutinise everything about you and your work, pointing out every hint of a failing. Not a report passes under their nose without a thorough inspection to ensure all headings are correct font and size – and all logos are used strictly within the guidelines. Never mind that the Iron Fist Boss cannot actually make a critical decision on a marketing strategy – someone has disobeyed the washing up policy in the break room. Such breaches will usually result in plates and cutlery being hurled across the room towards the bin – because to them, discipline is not meant to be gentle or logical. It’s meant to be hard, unforgiving and showered with profanity. It may be unnecessary to point out that this particular boss has obvious control issues, and that while they may launch spittle-spraying tirades against workers who don’t file an incident report after they spill their coffee – chances are in their privates lives, they like to be dressed in a nappy and spanked by a leather-clad dominatrix.
"Reports? Yay!"
Some people love nothing more than a relaxing recline on powdery white sand, with waves of luxurious turquoise water lapping at their feet. Others enjoy a fine drop of wine, some are into film, and some love a riveting game of football. Then there are people who love spreadsheets, budgets and strategic fiscal management. These people usually end up as a boss, purely because they live and breathe their job. If their job was made redundant, they would cease to exist as a person. There have been recorded cases where these bosses, whose roles have been made redundant, blank out and become permanently fixed in a drooling vegetative state. Some have even imploded. Office socialising is made difficult when you encounter them at the proverbial water-cooler. Don’t expect a chat about last night’s telly, or the headlines of the day – but be prepared to hear their thoughts on how the new database is such a hassle, and how it was far better at their old work. And get ready for some cringe-worthy team building exercises – at least weekly. Still, they essentially are harmless – they love working so much that they don’t really mind if what you do ends up sub-par – they relish the opportunity presented to improve it for you. Finally, be prepared at the Christmas Party – because after a year of nothing but work – a little chance to unwind often results in hilarious, and/or harrowing experience…bring a camera.
"What am i doing here?"
Usually seen hiding under their desk, or staring at a towering in-tray in terrified bewilderment. The Out-of-Depth boss is generally one who has been shoe-horned into a position way beyond the level of their capabilities, and they are usually too pre-occupied with freaking out to cause you much worry. But while they wont stand over your desk and wave a job brief at your face – their incompetence means you will inevitably have to pick up the slack, often without recognition of the fact you are doing your bosses work. Out-of depth bosses usually posses some unexplainable appeal that sees them get promoted above far more worth candidates – it puzzles even them. Of course they will happily accept a role with a heftier pay-cheque – but their days are spent scratching their head, being indecisive and reading golf magazines on the toilet….all until they finally retire as president of the company.
"What are we doing later"
The Please Love Me Boss is a classic, and commonplace boss. They are usually socially deprived due to the tireless hours put into licking boots – but once the boots have been sufficiently licked, and the promotion into middle-management has been awarded – the Please Love Me Boss, turns their attention to their new underlings. They see their employees as their friends, but not: “Hey, how are you today, good?” friends – rather: “Hey we should hang out this weekend – I’ve got a cabin….” friends. They regularly hover about the office floor…gravitating from one conversation to the next – looking for any available opening. Once they find one, they contribute something unfunny, unrelated or simply unwarranted, and the conversation dies with the dying words ..”…yeah” trailing off into awkwardness. When dealing with this boss, the key is to never openly divulge your weekend plans with them, as they will, without asking, worm their way in. Even if you tell them you’re planning a romantic evening alone with your partner – they’ll bring around a movie.
"How's the wife and kids?"
A very rare boss, but a frustrating one nonetheless. In fact, the Super Boss is perhaps the worst of the lot. They are simply flawless. They tend to be characterised by their business acumen, indelible charm, lighting wit and sculpted physique. They are successful, fun-loving and worst of all, kind. When they ask about your weekend, they look you in the eye, and hang on the edge of every word you utter. When you ask for leave, they ask why – not to judge whether your reasons are acceptable to not be working – but instead to know what you will be doing, and offer helpful advice, because chances are they’d been there or done that before. They actually care about you…and it’s plain sickening. The fact is, they are, and always will be – better than you in every single way. They are better looking, better paid, and better connected. They make you feel inferior as a being, and that is why the Adonis boss is the worst of all.
"Who are you? a nobody that's who"
This boss is climbing their way to the top, and they will have absolutely no qualms with using your face as a rung on the ladder. They tend to be relentless in their pursuit of their desired job, which is more often than not, the biggest wig – the Chief Executive Officer. But, while they may dream of the letters CEO next to their name, for now they must be content with being a lowly manager – or director. But they aren’t content, and it’s you, the inferior, who bores the brunt of their ambition. Tasks are delegated to you at breakneck speed – and deadlines are policed literally, with death as a consequence. Finally, when you do manage to drop the on their desk and crumble in an exhausted heap – they step over your depleted body and take your hard work to the Board and take all the credit…even your colour-coded referencing system. Then, several months down the line, they finally get the call-up and assume the role at the top…you, meanwhile, shudder at the thought of a new On-a-Mission boss coming in, and kicking you around all over again.
Notable Mentions:
Laid-back boss
Lunch is measured in hours and home time is any time after lunch. Monday mornings are non-existent and workloads are miniscule. The ultimate boss.
Sleazy Stare at Your Boobs Boss
You can wear the collar to the bottom of your chin and pile layer after layer of protective, shapeless clothing on – but this boss will still stare, jaw partially agape, at your chest.
